


i see you (and know you all over again)

by mvni



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF, katya zamolodchikova - Fandom, trixie mattel - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:33:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28825257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mvni/pseuds/mvni
Summary: katya desperately needs to get over trixie. but she can't. and she's tired of it.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixya
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	i see you (and know you all over again)

**Author's Note:**

> another night of me crying while writing. this is way too personal, so i might just say i'm sorry everything i write is about you.

katya knew she had to get over trixie.

she just didn't know how hard this task would prove to be. 

they barely even spoke anymore, but everytime she saw a picture her heart dropped. it was like the beginning of their relationship all over again, the pump of adrenaline through her veins. she wanted to reach out, but they don't have anything to talk about. and katya felt like a burden, always sending trixie something funny and waiting hours, sometimes days, for a dry answer. 

and she just couldn't stop caring, thinking, overthiking. 

they didn't follow each other on social media, but katya would always stalk trixie to see if she was fine. it didn't do her any good, yes, she knows. but how could she stop? 

she still had some of trixie's clothes. it didn't smell like her anymore, but she'd cuddle it anyway. thats a strange way of saying katya knew she was supposed to be loving trixie, but... 

she missed the phone calls. the jokes. the laughter. she missed trixie with all her heart. but trixie moved on. so why couldn't katya do the same? that is so stupid. 

they had that talk many times. trixie saying she doesn't want anything to do with katya anymore, romantically speaking, but also wanting to be friends and lowkey flirting, which just makes katya so confused and so mad. she's not good at receiving signals, but she didn't want them to stop. not rationally. but they were just wasting time. 

she was rather angry at the promises that, clearly, didn't matter anymore. she was mad at the thought of being friends because in her mind they worked way better as lovers. she was embarassed of telling people what happened. she wanted to disappear. 

losing trixie was way more traumatic than she cares to admit. 

she's adjusting to it still.

she knows it's not exactly healthy to keep reviving memories instead of creating new ones.

and at the same time, katya knows how much she knows about trixie mattel. but they also feel like strangers. she knows trixie well enough but at the same time, she barely knows her anymore. by the beginning of each new day, they drift apart a little more. 

is it weird that she gets mad every single time trixie uses their relationship to show how much she has changed? no trixie, she doesn't like when you make sure to remember just how different and square you used to be when you two dated, thank you very much. it's not like she needs your reminder anyway.

she has to put on a straight face whenever dolly starts to sing. she can't call trixie whenever she's crying. she can't stay the day in bed anymore. mostly, she's fine. she can get by. until something reminds her of her ex best friend and she cries until her chest feels empty again. 

she can't delete the pictures. she can't delete the messages. she's stuck. being lonely is hard, and even though katya makes it work for her, sometimes the darkness grows out of her control. she just wanted to fix things. not that it's worth anything. 

katya liked to be safe, and she felt safe with trixie. it's kinda like a white picket fence situation, but she convinced herself she's not wrong for wanting to be comfortable. easier said than done, but recovery is a process. 

she was just so tired. tired of trying to sleep but not being able to. of not functioning like a human being. of getting drunk in every chance she gets because it hurts less. she wanted to be over this and experience new things with new people but it was a constant battle between heart and brain. the idea of being happy alone just didn't make sense to her. nor did the thought of meeting people for the first time. and that's fucking heartbreaking. 

who is katya zamolodchikova when she's not being loved by trixie mattel?

for fucks sake, she doesn't remember. quite frankly, right now she doesn't want to remember. 

she's not loveable. people put too much expectation on her. she needs to stop letting herself down and just accept reality. 

but it hurts like a thousand daggers through her skin. 

and she's not fine. at all. 

katya knows that, for her own sake, she needs to forget what happened and move on. the tombstone is just waiting to get the date engraved. 

but then she sees trixie.

and it's like she knows her all over again. 


End file.
